SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel really really stupid, like hate myself.

While i dont see him and have his number blocked, he sent me into an rage because he’s been telling his dad he wants to fix his marriage.

I said to his dad, he hasn’t done anything in the past 5 months to show that.

I assumed him and AP were no longer talking because based on my own morals (clearly there are moraless people) how could you continue talking to someone knowing what’s happened.

Then recently i unblocked his number for a few hours and had a huge argument with him because he told my 4yo she could sleep over his mums with him, which i never agreed to.

And in that argument, he was still lacking accountability, shifting blame and getting defensive, but saying he wants to try

And i confronted him and said, have you even ended all communication with AP, and he says "no, we still talk"

I went into a spiral. I called his dad and told him he was still in contact with AP. I sent his dad APs number. I told his close friend who he told, he wants to fix his family.

I feel so so so stupid because a few days prior, his friend told me my husband had gone to seek religious counselling and i had some hope he was taking initiative.

I helped organise the counsellor with his friend when i shouldn’t have. I should have just left it.

I hate myself for even thinking that this person had any hope of change. I hate myself for even helping find the religious counsellor.

I have another 6 months of separation before i can file for divorce.

He has organised mediation to ask more then 6 hours of time with our daughter. If i refuse to mediate, he can take the case to court. But that’s a long and costly process so maybe the risks are low.

He’s refusing to pay $400 a fortnight in child support.

How is this person even a human being? I think he is the devil

Are you basing your demands on what you think is right or on law?

In most countries both parents have the same right to their kids. In fact – in most countries it’s seen as the RIGHT of the child to have equal access to their parents. That six hour gap he has – who decided that? Is it a formally approved agreement? As in signed by the appropriate authorities?
Same with the child support. Is that a formal request?

Friend – so far it all sounds like anger and intimidation on both your parts.
I can more-or-less promise you that the first one of you that follows the laws and regulations in your country will be the one that gets the better deal.

Like the child support. If that 400k was a decree by the correct authorities chances are his wages would be garnished. Or the balif/sherif at is door.

The $400 is calculated by the government based on wages and how many nights the child is with a parent.

The 6 hours is set by me. He picks her up on a sunday from my parents house so i dont have to see him. There is no law on how many hours or nights parents should have during separation.

He wants to see her one more day of the week but that would require him coming to the family home and im not allowing that

I cant trust this person with a penny, let alone my child.

[This message edited by Starant at 4:52 PM, Tuesday, May 26th]

You should not be mad at yourself. You have him 120% effort to reconcile and he did not hold up his end of the bargain.

But here’s the pay off. You tried your best. It just didn’t work. So now you can stop trying. You have no regrets in Divorcing him.

No calls from him

No setting up counseling for him

No believing anything he says to anyone. Period.

Enforce his support payments that are owed to you.

Don’t allow him to come to your home for any reason— not even child exchange.

Detach from him emotionally. Read up on the 180 on the Healing Library here at SI.

It hurts so much to think your own husband cares so little about your pain and the impact on their own child.

How can someone have any humanity when they continue to hurt someone knowing what its doing?

I tell my therapist about his behaviours, and she says his brain seems undeveloped.

I hope he gets nowhere in life and continues to fail and lose things. Its so unfair.

I have a playlist from his affair period that has a bunch of songs that are about cheating or revenge.

There is one song called I Pray For You. It’s about a break up and the guy who was dumped is saying he prays for these things about his XGF:

I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls.

I pray all your dreams never come true

These are my two favorite lines. Makes me laugh every time.

I’m not doubting the amount, but rather the process.
There are plenty of online calculators that can show parents what they might have to pay in child-support. However, the decision to pay CS tends to be affirmed or issued by some authorities.
Like… a child from an unmarried couple not cohabiting… the mother is asked to name the father and the father might get a formal request for CS. The decent and moral male simply signs on the dotted line and starts paying. For a married couple the child is automatically assumed to be the husband’s and there is no government-defined child support. Just like there is no custody or official 6 hours a week.

Please – I am trying to help you.
I truly think that the sooner you set off on a FORMAL process of determining custody, child-support and future expectations and obligations the better it will be for you. And your child.

Yes that’s what i mean, child support is calculated and organised by the Australian government social services. They take the money from his account and they base it on his wages.

Continued no contact with WH.

Spiritual counsellor called me yesterday saying WH met with him and told him he wants to fix his marriage and work on his faith.

Counsellor told him, he needs to cut all communication with AP and asked him about his workplace.

WH said he has blocked AP but still using excuses, doesn’t want to stop working at same hospital.

Spiritual counsellor gave me a call and told me all this. I didnt enquire.

I told him that I am not negotiating on what i need to feel safe and said WH has known for 5 months what i require to attempt reconciliation. The hospital is a significant source of anxiety for me and i cannot believe communication with AP is cut without proof. Told councellor i cant keep going around in circles with WH. Remorse is not just saying sorry and shedding tears. Its actions that demonstrate you understand the pain you inflicted and doing whatever it takes to mend that.

I have resisted the urge to call WH and blast him for these stupid excuses around work. He either choses his workplace and money or chooses his family.

[This message edited by Starant at 1:30 AM, Friday, June 5th]

yeah, he’s not really meeting you where you need him too.

Hang tough. You are doing great — you know what you need and are enforcing your boundaries.
Sorry he has not changed enough (or at all).

I just really want to call him and say stop lying to yourself.

It’s not that you cant change your job, it’s that you don’t want to.

And he doesn’t want to admit that because it reflects the reality that your choosing money and connection to AP over your family and my wellbeing.

Typical cheater behaviour. Lie to themselves before they lie to someone else.

But it’s like talking to a brick wall and the only person who suffers psychologically from these conversations going around in circles is me.

I have a feeling that he will eventually say ok ill look for another job because i will not compromise this request. But then it will just feel disingenuous.

Or he will say cancel the child support application so he can afford a lower paying job. That’s BS. We earn the same and i know the child support payment is reasonable for his wage. He cant try and negotiate my needs like its a marketplace.

[This message edited by Starant at 6:23 AM, Friday, June 5th]

Often it’s not the affair that kills the marriage or relationship.

It’s the behavior of the cheater after Dday that does.

I’m sorry you are facing such challenges with someone who just refuses to do the right thing. That leaves you, as the only adult in this situation, to protect your family and be forced to make decisions all around.

PS Most of which the cheater won’t like. But the cheater no longer calls the shots.

Bear with me on this short story:
A few months ago I ran into an old acquaintance from my cop-years. Hadn’t been in any contact for over 20 years, but we decided to sit for a cup of coffee and catch up. Back then, he had recently dropped out of law-school when he had 2 of his final exams left, just days before the exams. He simply decided that law wasn’t what he wanted to do as a career.
He decided on his own free will to take pre-law and then law. He decided on his own free will to attend four years of classes, numerous exams and papers and studying and hard work. He decided on his own free will to take out student-loans. He decided on his own free will that with less than 10 days left of his multi-year journey to quit. Had nothing to do with grades, but more his decision that he no longer wanted to be a lawyer.

He’s entitled to make that decision. We might think it dumb; we might try to convince him to finish what he started. Guess his parents tried their best to do so. But at the end of the day HE get’s to decide. Those were his commitments.
Only… those student-loans… they aren’t forfeited simply because you fail or don’t finish…
Being a cop didn’t bring him the joy he was seeking, plus the wages to repay the loans and build his life. Ironically he’s been working as a paralegal, doing 80% of the work of an attorney for probably 40% of the wages.

So what’s that got to do with you? Maybe not much, but it does have a lot of comparisons to your husband.
He made a lot of commitments. Comittments he willingly entered into on his own free will. Like his conversion, his decision to marry you, the home… all that. These commitments are like the commitments my friend made regarding his education. He is allowed to decide otherwise. Like… he CAN decide he doesn’t want to remain married to you, or faithful to you, or to remain at his job. These are all things he CAN decide.
However – just like my friend had commitments he couldn’t get out of – so does your husband.

He can’t decide not to be a father.
He can impact how big his role is: He can become a great coparent with equal custody and work with you in providing the best environment for the child. Or he can decide to be an absolute absentee dad whose only contribution is financial support for his child.

Just like my friend couldn’t NOT pay his student-loans… he can’t opt to not pay child support. That’s an obligation with legal ties – not only a personal choice.

Australia has income-connected child-support, but also has a great system to avoid and prevent parents from doing exactly what you describe: Hiding or lowering income to lower support. Plus it has all sorts of methods to chase payments. If he want’s to THAT guy – then the fear of him becoming that guy should not hold you back.

What is more concerning IMHO is if you think he is the type of person who might intentionally take actions to limit what he needs to pay for the livelihood and well-being of his child. If you realistically think this is an issue you need to really think if a man of that moral character is a great candidate for life-partner.

In the strongest words I can: Really look SERIOUSLY into formalizing your separation. It’s a long process, and can be reversed for a very long part of that time. If he were to come to you tomorrow – new job, remorse, a plan for self-improvement – you can stop the process, but as-is then all inaction does is enable him to prepare better and better for what sounds like an inevitable divorce.

Him trying to negotiate less than the bare minimums you require is just bullshit. You shouldn’t have to tell him more than once what you need and the only acceptable answer, the first time around is "yes, I will do that right away." A different response just shows you are not the priority. I’m sure once he sees the financial cost, he’ll do a 180 and offer to do everything you want, kind of a little too late now that he’s proven his real intentions. But that determination is up to you.

I haven't read through all the messages to you from others but I want to sprinkle some perspective in from a betrayed husband who is going on month 8 after DDay.

5 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things. If I had hard pressed my wife during that time, I think she might have left also. Depending on the level of attachment to the affair partner, you may have a ZERO chance of competing at this moment, but that does NOT mean your marriage is over.

Setting hard boundaries are good. If he doesn't come back, it's going to be very difficult for you but it may be for the best. I realized 6-7 months in that I had almost no impact on anything my wife wanted to do. If she wanted to keep sexting or hooking up or whatever, there was nothing I could do to stop her - you can force them to sneak into the dark corners to keep their relationship alive but it's essentially an addiction that they have to WANT to break.

Work on yourself. Make yourself unforgettable. Take control of your life and trust that God has a plan for you.

And know that if you really do want the marriage to work and he changes his path and wants that too, that it CAN happen. It's going to be absolutely miserable for a long time but it's possible. Only if he can cut off all ties, all memories and attachments to this other person.

I'll be praying for you. I hate that this happened to you, but you're going to be ok.

sorry you can ignore most of what i wrote above. I guess I SHOULD have read through the rest of the posts, you're clearly far beyond 5 weeks of this misery. Best of luck.

Thanks everyone. I will more then likely need your ongoing advice. Will keep you updated.

Ok well…. That didnt go as i thought. He sent through a property settlement request. What annoys me the most is his excuses and justifications are i dont want to keep hurting you. But he isn’t changing his job or stopping contact with AP, which are the things that hurt me. Instead he is choosing to abandon his family. Just be fucking honest about that instead creating this narrative that you’re doing me a favour.

For a lot of WS, they just can’t be the bad guy- and they will do Olympic level gymnastics to try to prove that to anyone who doesn’t see through their bull.

Take what he says and use it. Use it to get the most advantageous settlement you can.

My XWS also couldn’t quit his AP. So we split. But the guilt did help him give me a very favorable outcome - because then he was the nice guy. Guilt money that will make my life better? Yeah, I’ll take it.

So sorry you are still going through all this.