SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m looking for honest perspectives.

My husband and I are several years into reconciliation after my affair. We’ve tried a lot of things in hopes of helping him heal. One of those has been entering a consensually non-monogamous relationship. To be clear, this hasn’t been about casually sleeping with lots of people. We’ve only met a few couples but every time before we meet a couple I get very depressed and shut down and can’t stop crying.

The difficult part is that this wasn’t really my idea. My husband told me that if we didn’t do this together, he would pursue relationships with other people on his own. I chose to participate because I love him, I wanted to stay together, and he genuinely believes this helps quiet the intrusive thoughts from my betrayal.

The thing is…I have reservations. He knows I do. I’ve been honest that I’m uncomfortable at times and that I don’t know if this is something I truly want for myself. I’m participating, but I can’t honestly say it’s something I would have chosen independently.

After being resistant to therapy for a long time, my husband has recently started individual therapy, and I’m planning to begin therapy myself soon. We’re both still trying to find healthy ways to move forward, which is part of why I’m asking this question.

I’m not looking for people to attack my husband. I know my affair caused an incredible amount of pain, and I understand that he’s been trying to find ways to cope and heal.

What I’m genuinely trying to understand is this: Is it common or fair during reconciliation for a betrayed spouse to say, in essence, "If we don’t do this together, I’ll do it on my own"? Have any of you experienced something similar? Did it help your reconciliation, or did it complicate things?

I’m really looking for thoughtful experiences. I feel conflicted because I understand why he’s hurting, but I’m also trying to figure out where the line is between making sacrifices for reconciliation and agreeing to something despite significant personal reservations.

I think you might want to revisit and re-read some of the replies in your other thread here. I don't think this is a good solution. It's not going to fix anything, especially if you're not into it. You asked that no one "attacks" your husband so I'll refrain from my opinion on what he said to you, but I will say that I think his "solution" and ultimatum isn't coming from a place of healing at all. No, it's not what I'd consider common or normal.

[This message edited by Pogre at 7:51 PM, Tuesday, June 30th]

Pogre, thank you for your response. I am honestly confused. On my side finances have been a hurdle as far as me being able to seek therapy. I recently found something that may work though. After him being resistant he finally found a therapist and just started. I doubt he will mention this aspect of the relationship though. I am genuinely confused. I read in other infidelity support groups, and the prevailing thought there seems to be that a BP asking for something like this is perfectly normal. He certainly thinks he has the right to ask. He tells me I don’t have to participate if I don’t want but then he will pursue things on his own. I don’t see how that gets us any closer to reconciliation or healing.

He tells me I don’t have to participate if I don’t want but then he will pursue things on his own. I don’t see how that gets us any closer to reconciliation or healing.

Well what he basically did was get your permission to cheat since you do not feel ok with this arrangement. It is not right for him to ask for this not unless you are 100% on board. I wouldn't even call this an open marriage. It was forced.

I'm a madhatter and had a revenge affair. What I did was wrong and it felt wrong. I used it as a coping mechanism and it was a bad coping mechanism. Not healthy at all. Definitely not the way to heal a M.

My XWS and I did open the M up after I discovered False R with him and his xAP. My XWS had many A's throughout our M and I thought if we opened the M up I would feel numb to the pain of him cheating. Well I eventually did become numb and I also completely fell out love and wanted out of the M. Not only because of that but because all his A's had been dealbreakers and he was diagnosed NPD and I was emotionally abused. Hence our D.