gotfish1 (original poster new member #85535) posted at 4:57 PM on Saturday, June 27th, 2026
After 22 years of marriage, my wife decided it was ok to "love two people" and vigorously pursue a long distance relationship with a colleague. She continued this for 8 years before I accidentally found out. They'd meet 3-5 times each year and also had monthly sex calls according to the wife.
I discovered her actions 22 years ago and I'm still needing some advice. I've done a lot of talking about this with her, have read more books than I care to recall and have listened to many different therapists about what happened and what to do.
I welcome any comments from anyone who has been through this, has seen counselors perhaps and what has worked for you. We are still together, mainly for the kids and family's sake. We've only spoken with doctors and some therapists.
Thanks for anything that you might have to offer.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:10 PM on Sunday, June 28th, 2026
Will you say more about the timing?
You seem to say your W started cheating after 22 years of M and that you discovered it after 8 years, so that means you discovered it after 30 years of M. You also say 'her actions 22 years ago'. Are yiu saying you got married in 1974, your W conducted an A from 1996-2004, and you discovered her A in 2004?
What did your W do after you discovered it? Did she do anything to change from cheater to good partner?
What did you do? You refer to therapists. Individual, mariiage counseling, individual counseling, sex counsleing - what kind of therapists?
What changes did you and/or your W change as a result of the therapy?
SI responses to a JFO (just found out) sitch is pretty cut and dried, because pretty much everybody is drowning. After 22 years, the BS's situation can be extremely varied, and the responses from Si need more info than in a JFO sitch.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
d-day - 12/22/2010 Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 4:09 PM on Monday, June 29th, 2026
Gotfish,
I'm also confused about Your post can You please make a simple timeline when things happen and when You became aware.
In any event it sounds pretty horrible like Your WW have a secret second life perhaps You were never her first choice even.
DNA Your kids, STD testing, polygraph Your WW.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 4:55 PM on Monday, June 29th, 2026
Being married and loving two people is actually the best!
The issue might be that either she loves the wrong two people, or she loves three people.
In a marriage you should love your partner, and love yourself.
I concur with the previous posters suggestion and suggest you give us more detailed info.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
