SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

10 years since DD. I may be all over the place with the post. Sorry in advance. I guess you could call us in reconsiliation, but idk. I know I should have left, it was just too hard and I wasn't raised to be a quiter. I don't have proof that she's cheating again, just a gut feeling. She's a rug sweeper thru and thru. Any apologies have been forced by me. Says "I don't want to bring it up." We never did any counseling. Her AP was a guy she worked with that I suspected was an issue long before discovery. She no longer works at that company and we are 5 hours away. She works in a male dominated field (engineering). She used to never have to travel for work, but her company was acquired by a national company a little over a year ago and now traveling is a thing. I am super uncomfortable with it and she knows that I am. She never invites me to tag along. I'm self-employed with a very flexible schedule, and we can afford it. We are friends with her direct boss and his wife. Not get together out side of work type stuff, but we frequent alot of the same events. We have a big summer bbq every year and they attend usually, even had their kid's band play it one year. He has recently made comments to her about "troubles" with his wife. Not super intimate details, more off-hand type comments. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry (except strangers I guess), not to best friends, not to family. I just think it's trashy. I just know what to do. I'm so angry still from the 1st affair, angrier now by the thought of it happening again. It broke me. It broke us. WE were the couple other couples modeled their relationships after, some still do because they don't know the truth. I know I've left things out, I'm sure I'll have more to say later.

The common view in this forum is that if there is no remorse, you are not reconciling. What you have done is rug sweeping. You can't have an intimate relationship if there are no honest discussions and you can't have a safe relationship if the person who abused you has no remorse and no will to atone for their actions.

I think on your case the most important thing, before making any plans to improve your marriage is to know if your gut feeling is correct or not. Have you thought about doing some investigation? Perhaps hiring a private investigator? It can feel over the top, but there is nothing more important for your own physical, mental and potentially financial safety then to establish if there is anything happening.

Your cheating wife (whether currently cheating or not) has not done anything to make amends, help you feel safe in the marriage, or even gotten counseling to address why she did what she did.

Plus she refused to invite you to travel with her.

She continues to show you who and what she is.

The word selfish comes to mind.

All of these things leave YOU without feeling like you have a solid foundation. You have doubts, anxiety, suspicions etc.

It doesn’t matter at this point if she’s still cheating or not. What does matter is that you are not a priority to her and neither is the marriage.

Sadly you will continue to live in this state until you decide you have had enough. You can try to get her to change but it won’t be easy. You will be in for a major uphill battle. You see most cheaters like to control everything and get what they want. They cheat, want to sweep it under the rug and just move on.

And a good many of them are able to get that.

And thus the betrayed continues to suffer.

Just know nothing will change unless you change. And your spouse may be unwilling to change to meet your needs. At that point you then need to decide if you want to continue living like you are or you choose to get out of the marriage as it no longer works for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:29 PM, Thursday, March 26th]