SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well, this has been a many year's issue with me. My wife and I have been together for 26 years, and during that time, I have betrayed her multiple times, in multiple ways. Sometimes, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, but I later learned that it was.

We have currently reached the final straw, and like a heel, it has taken me this long to really realize how bad I have been and how much I have hurt her. She has given me 6 months to show some drastic change and improvement, or she is gone.

I recognize my wrong-doings, and I accept the fact that I have caused all of the pain. Just today I found a therapist who does virtual counselling, and next week I have an initial consultation with him. This will be the first time that I have reached out to try therapy. I have to do virtual because I am a contractor that works overseas... which hasnt helped my actions any. I will be done with contracting in 10 months at the latest now, but possibly 6 months.

I was looking for resources today to find something, anything to possibly help me when I came across this site. I dont expect sympathy or anything for my past deeds, but hopefully I can find some advice on how to proceed with my journey of improvement.

Thanks all of you for listening.

Greetings

I’m sorry you’re here but glad you found this place. Some quick advice, sit here and read, read and read some more. I never really grasped how destructive infidelity is until I came here. I bought into the Hollywood narrative and told myself it was no big deal. Now I know better.

Try and be honest with yourself and your actions. Put aside all the justifications and excuses because there aren’t any. We cheated because we wanted to and didn’t care about the potential fallout.

It’s good that you’re seeking therapy. Make sure the therapist holds your feet to the fire. Don’t let them try to soft soap what you’ve don’t or try and lay any blame at your wife’s feet. Own what you’ve done and work through it.

Also, if you feel you’re able to, take the stop signs off your posts. You’ll be able to get input from betrayed spouses as well. While some of it will be hard to hear, it was invaluable to me.

Best of luck.

Hello. Former WH here. Glad you found us.

To piggyback on what you've already been told, don't be afraid to fire your therapist if they aren't a good fit. Make sure they hold you accountable and have experience with infidelity. The last thing you need to hear from a professional is how to rugsweep this or push blame toward your BW.

Another thing: You mention being an overseas contractor. If you've been cheating while working far from home, it will be imperative for you to find yourself a new job. That's pretty hard to hear but it's necessary for your BW's peace of mind along with your own. If your current contract has the possibility of ending early (which you mentioned), then jump on that and in the meantime start figuring out what you're going to do next. Especially if you've been cheating with a co-worker.

Keep in mind that the current 6 month deadline your BW has given you could lengthen or shorten. You might do everything perfectly and be the model reformed cheating spouse and she may still pull the plug on the marriage. Recovery and healing has to also be for YOU, regardless of the consequences.

One day at a time. Best of luck to you both.

Thanks to those who have replied.

I wholeheartedly accept full responsibility for my actions. I own them and I am learning the loop I used to justify my actions as well. I have interviewed 2 therapists for far, and neither one gave me the vibe I am needing... both felt a little too soft in our talk. I know that I need someone who will hold me accountable and force me to confront that which I am hesitant to see.

I am very aware that my "deadline" could change, but I do think that the talks between my wife and I are going good... at the moment. She knows that I am looking at therapists and that I am actively working to improve myself.

I am also starting the process of returning back home. I am looking for work in my field, or something similar, that I can check into. That part is currently slow going, but I have a couple of leads. Even if I find something tomorrow, it will still be a while before I can actually make the move.... I am currently stuck in Kuwait, the airport here has sustained a lot of damage, and our mail/shipping services have been stopped for now. Thats kind of a bummer...

Either way, I feel that things are moving in a positive direction at the time, but like everything, time will tell.

AtoningContractor I hope you stay safe in Kuwait. Must be a little scary at the moment? It looks like you are on the right track. Keep it up. You said that at one point you didn’t think you were doing anything wrong and now you know you are. It will be helpful if you can articulate why that is. For example, when I was growing up the main thing was to not make another person uncomfortable. That was basically the morality. An extreme example: in college I had an affair with a married professor more than twice my age who left his wife and child. Within a couple of weeks after having sex the first time I knew I didn’t want anything to do with him. I left college and went home. He followed. I remember sitting in my living room when he knocked on the front door. My mother let him in, was nice to him, and scolded me for making him spend all that money on a plane ticket to chase me down, because he was such a nice man and I caused him so much trouble. Can you believe it! No wonder I had no idea what right and wrong were! I’m not excusing or justifying, just sitting in astonishment and re-parenting myself so I have a firm foundation. It helps my husband to have this perspective and to see me doing this work. It may not be what your wife needs right now, or maybe Ever, but it will be helpful to you to understand how and why you ended up thinking it wasn’t wrong. Feel free to run your evolving thinking here, we can let you know what rings true and what might need another look.