SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DRSOOLERS, I think the key difference between R and a situation like mine is that with R, you need to feel friendship toward your WS for R to succeed. If you can't even like them as a friend, how can you love them enough to build a new romantic relationship?

In my case, or others who are separating/divorcing, that means R has failed. I don't like my WS anymore, and I don't want to be friends with him. Assuming that's generally true for S/D, those people are not good candidates for friendship.

One thing about my personal history is that our kid (15yo) is still in the dark about WS's cheating. She's on the autism spectrum, and as far as I know, she hasn't even noticed that's there anything wrong with the marriage. All of the changes to our lives have perfectly good explanations outside of marital difficulties, and we have continued to do things as a family. WS asking for that to continue for another year (ostensibly for the kid's sake, though I'm sure there's self-interest too) isn't totally unreasonable.

Asking me to be actual friends with him is utterly delusional. I can't do it, and I also had to give up on R, but we are not all the same, and I was genuinely curious if anyone could accomplish it with any WS.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 7:50 PM, Tuesday, July 15th]

All understood! If it's not something you want, then of course don't pursue it. I was never recommending it, I was just outlining a feasible scenario where post divorce friendship would make sense.

Personally, I wouldn't want this but I wouldn't want R. I guess I just found it interesting that people in R couldn't conceive of a way they'd want to maintain a friendship but not the sexual aspect.

It's sort of like saying well if I wasn't banging my betrayer (or former) I'd kick them to the curb... Doesn't make sense to me.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:40 AM, Wednesday, July 16th]

Focus on you and surrounding yourself with people that lift you up, and cut loose the ones who only drag you down. JMHO.

Man, I am so all over that shit right there! Well said!

While I have seen this happen, people who divorced but still maintain a friendship,I think it is rare. I could never be friends with my xWS just based on his personality disorder alone he is quite manipulative. Plus I don't feel friendly feelings towards him and still struggle with a level of disgust towards him especially after he put his hands on our son. I would be cordial if I had to attend an event with my kids like a wedding etc, but besides that no. I have no love, respect, fond feelings or a need to continue any friendship with my xWS. I have been NC for a while now it would be really strange to start having contact or a friendship.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:16 AM, Thursday, July 17th]

I’ve not personally known people who’ve remained close friends after a divorce, though I’ve known many who are amicable, co-parent well, etc. Theoretically I think it’s possible to remain good friends, but unlikely, especially if the divorce happens because of betrayal/infidelity.

However, I’ve *definitely* seen a pattern on this board and in real life where the betraying spouse is magnanimous and expressing desire to remain friends in the process and wake of a divorce. In the cases I’ve seen, it’s felt unfair and delusional, like they just want to avoid the reality that they destroyed a marriage and family, upended everyone’s lives, and deeply betrayed the person they were supposed to love the most. Essentially, I think expressing a desire for friendship often comes from an unwillingness on the betrayer’s part to face the harm they’ve caused. They want to be friends because it would make them seem like a good person (without them having to do any work to be a better person).

[This message edited by Grieving at 11:27 AM, Thursday, July 17th]