SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How did the infidelity affect how you reacted to intimacy in your relationship if you stayed? And how did you go about getting it back?

My IC has been really trying to get me to just notice how I feel, how I react, how I think, and I’m really trying to pay attention to myself.

I’ve noticed that 18 months on, intimacy is still very triggering. Not always, but most of the time.

My partner is very physically affectionate and I’ve noticed that it is quite sexual the way he does that. Any mention of anything to do with sex, even if he’s not talking about us specifically, my brain spirals and I shut down. Any time he touches me, it’s the same. I would have thought with time and him working on himself, this would get better but if anything it’s worse. I have no sex drive most of the time, I don’t want to be touched.

Then I have the worry that if we lose intimacy completely, he’ll do it again, which I know is silly because I know that’s not why it happened the first time.

I find myself doing it sometimes just because I don’t want to not be doing it if that makes sense? Which again I know is silly.

I find this really hard to talk to him about and I feel a bit stuck on how to get over this.

I think intimacy started to slowly return after emotional safety for me. And I don’t just mean from him, but by giving myself emotional safety.

The best thing I did was not to pressure myself and ask for what I wanted. I wanted him to give non-sexual affection, I asked him to change the way he initiates. It took a lot of experimenting in that one. Half the time when he would just show up to bed naked, it made me cry and I had to sleep somewhere else. I think it was the expectation/entitlement that represented to me.

I needed him to show me that he valued me in ways that had nothing to do with sex or other services I could offer him. It was very polarizing for a while. Eventually he learned how to show love to me through t the day with no expectations of what I was going to give back. And that started to help.

But, in the end, listening to myself and respecting my own feelings, even if that meant anything from a moratorium on sex for a while or saying no more than I would have. Once I felt like I was in control of that and that it was okay for me to honor myself and what I needed or wanted things got easier. He adapted. And when the time was right we started to explore our sexuality more together again.

I think doing it when you don’t want to and putting pressure on yourself is probably as much of the problem as anything else. Accept this is where you are and if he can’t then he is not taking accountability over the damage he has done to you and your relationship. Someone who understands that will do what is needed to fix it.

There was a lot of ‘hysterical bonding’ in our relationship after D-Day, which in hindsight was obviously not healthy but nothing I can do about it now. There were times I stopped in the middle of doing the deed after freaking out with made up images in my head and I also had a phase where I would stop him trying to give me an orgasm just cause he gave his AP one (yes I asked that question 🤦🏽‍♀️). And then for a while I treated him like a friend with benefits, while deciding whether to try for R or to leave and D.

But now just over 18months out it’s back to what I would call normal BUT better than it was before his A. I now make sure I am satisfied by asking and guiding and make sure we mix it up. We also sit on the couch together every day and I get my foot rub. We hold hands when out in public and sneak kisses in random places like the kitchen or when hanging out the washing.

Before his A I really was not happy in the marriage and I didn’t want to be touched by him at all. I decided that if I was to try to R and stay in this marriage i needed to feel happy and loved and that included the want and desire for physical intimacy. I don’t see the point of going back to a sub par relationship after being hurt in the worst possible way. It’s taking a lot of work on both our parts but hopefully will be worth it in the end.

I 100% agree with H/O though - don’t force anything you don’t want as I think it may only make you despise it more 🤷🏼‍♀️

Last time we had a lot of hysterical bonding

This time we have had a lot more deep discussion about intimacy, what we do a don't want it to look like. We've agreed that I lead and set the pace.

[This message edited by lizziej at 7:22 AM, Monday, May 19th]