SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. After 3.5 years of solitude just crying and suffering alone, I am here for friendship and support. I posted my story in my profile if you care to read it. I know it’s not a perfect story, there are parts missing and it’s messy, but hopefully, together, with your help, I can sort the rest of it out and feel better. We have not been to any therapy or read many books. I am grateful because prior to all of this I was not new to therapy and self help. I’ve read about 30 books about alcoholism and I have healed most of my childhood trauma. There was a lot of that. Now it’s just this. I should be optimistic but sometimes I’m really not. I’m tired and I need help.

Welcome to SI, the best group nobody ever wanted to join. How much have you read here?

Looks like you rugswept a lot. That could be why you still feel so awful.

You know what happened, which is good, but you need some support. Have you considered IC with a good IC? Seeking support here is a good step, and we can do things even the best IC can't - but a good IC can do things we can't.

Also, take a look at the threads in the Just Found Out forum that have bull's eyes next to the thread title.

Also, what has your H done to address his A? What has he done to change from cheater to good partner? Take a look at https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/ to get an idea of things a remorseful WS should be doing.

Also, how much is the treatment for celiac disease helping?

Thank you for reading my post. I don’t have IC. I guess I don’t really trust them. He doesn’t have one either. I’ve relied heavily on energy medicine and alternative therapies. Trying to manage my emotions and heal my nervous system from triggers and cPTSD. I’ve been doing this for 20 years. I have anger management problems. I get very angry and lash out when I’m frustrated so it was hard for me to work. I now have a job and it’s very difficult for me to manage, but I didn’t work for 20 years. He takes care of me. Since his diagnosis we had to change everything we eat for the whole family. Our oldest son is also celiac so we also manage his anxiety.

He has more energy now and he works hard to cook and clean the house like he’s trying to make up for the 20 years he watched TV while I did everything. He is very remorseful, definitely contrite. (I read that article.) Our focus has been mostly on our daughter. She also went into a deep depression with his affair. She was 12 and is now 18. She’s still growing up and we are trying to stay present for her but she’s sad and also trying to navigate and cope or heal. It’s rough.

Rug swept is a good word for what we do. He does this constantly. We can have a crying sobbing session but he just wants to hug me and get back to daily life. He won’t read. We don’t know what to do. Everything just seems like an emotional outburst. But they are fewer and fewer. His job is too demanding for IC. He works on call 24/7 and hardly gets any sleep. He works about 80-90 hours a week, has no time off, ever. His job has been a prison sentence for 20 years. We try to discuss leaving his job but we have 3 kids in college now and need the money. We fully support the kids financially. It’s very draining for both of us.

I just get exhausted with reconciliation and I want to just leave. I want my own apartment and to live alone. My affection for him wanes. He tries desperately to do kind things for me, to prove how hard he is trying, he adores me, but it exhausts me. It feels hopeless.

[This message edited by 123199 at 4:07 PM, Saturday, May 10th]

When the A was first revealed and he started talking about what he had been through, I really felt sad for him. Knowing him, I know he let the AP take advantage of him and then he was too ashamed and felt too guilty to break up with her or me. He takes responsibility for everything and so do I. His mother guilted him for her entire life and when she died he did not go see her. Now he is still reeling from that guilt too. His Dad never acknowledged his cheating and after his death he was still cheating. I now think his Dad used sex to cope with the pain of the celiac disease. This might seem like a stretch but it seems like sex was the only thing that would override the gastrointestinal pain for a short time. I don’t think they were aware that they were using sex for this purpose.

He lives in this space of guilt and shame all the time. His depression, exhaustion, anxiety, celiac disease, it’s just so overwhelming. His job, our kids. We are both so tired. We never really rest.

I don’t want to leave him because the thought of him living alone is so sad. He loves the kids so much. He loves me so much. He missed so much of their lives already because he works constantly and I was blessed to be able to be home with them. He truly is a wonderful man and I love him very much. But I’m also so tired of working so hard at this. I’m tired of fighting back my anger and sadness everyday. I’m tired of living in the dark. So hopefully just sharing my story here will help and maybe I’ll find some friends.

I strongly suggest you consider professional counseling. I had a wonderful experience with my counselor and he helped in many ways, including giving me the tools to see we could reconcile.

I hate to see you crying every day because of the affair without feeling as though it could get better for you.

Maybe if you had an opportunity to air your troubles and feel supported you might start to feel better.

Affairs are terrible. But I’ve learned the betrayed spouse is often mistreated b/c of the cheater’s state of mind. We’ve all been down that road. The cheater’s state of doesn’t cheat b/c their spouse isn’t good enough - they cheat because THE CHEATER has issues and uses an affair to hide from their pain and unhappiness.

Welcome to SI.

I feel great empathy for you. All betrayal hurts, but when you have spent decades with someone, raised children together, and faced tough things, the betrayal and recovery has some special dimensions. I agree with the very wise Sisoon; part of this was some rugsweeping. Yet I am here to tell you that I did not rug sweep. We read books, did the work, learned through cognitive behavioral therapy to change our patterns. We are doing well in reconciliation, and yet there are times when I am still so, so, so sad.

In your profile, I hear some things that sound similar to me. You have a lot of empathy for the pain turned a person your loved for decades into this stranger that betrayed you. You also have anger and hurt, because even before you knew the affair was the reason, you became the villain in his head, and you felt every one of those thought distortions like a knife. Then, then... you learned that the reason for this transformation was his own guilt and shame over the affair.

That means you have a dual perspective; you see all of your own pain. You see his. If you are like me, and way, way too empathetic, you even see the APs pain. It means you are capable of forgiveness, and that is a beautiful thing. But it also means that there is a tremendous risk that your own pain remains invisible to others because they really are not capable of seeing what you see.

Yes, therapy can help you learn to set some boundaries, but know that you are not alone.

Next time you are feeling alone, remember that it takes time. Remember that you can and should talk to him about what you need to feel safe--not just from an affair, but safe in revealing where you are still broken so that you can heal. Remember you can come here and talk to people who will understand why you still feel broken.

Something did break. Something was lost. It was like a wild fire. Everything has to regrow, and that takes time.

Just know that you are not alone. I get it. So do many others on this site.

I’m so sorry you’re here. I also have C-PTSD. I can’t urge you strongly enough to get a good IC who specializes in trauma. I don’t think I could have made it through without my IC support. The EMDR that I found for A trauma helped me tremendously. I ended up seeing someone who counsels veterans. Our MC, we found one who my H, who was averse to counseling…felt comfortable with. But, this was only successful because he was willing. Even if my marriage fails, I will take the benefits of that healing with me where ever I end up. Support here, mindfulness, yoga, anything for you to help you regulate your nervous system…please…please….please do. Feel the feelings. I tried ashwaganda…and alternative remedies, but I really didn’t get the improvements I’ve realized with more conventional treatments. For me, I wish I had prioritized that sooner for myself. I feel SO much better for it.

H’s A was when he was also in a bad place. It was about him numbing his own feelings with the ego boost of an AP. It is not usually about the BS. Not saying that isn’t sometimes the case. I also feel OW kind of groomed him into an A…and she was also stalking.

It is SO hard when your childhood taught that the people you should be able to trust are untrustworthy….and then you open yourself up to someone in marriage and learn that they’re not trustworthy as well. For me, I had made my H my safe place. I was so blindly trusting of him that it never crossed my mind that he could do this. I just knew something was off in my gut. Always trust that feeling. But also, with C-PTSD, it is easy to look for threats around every corner. I try hard to focus on what I will do, if that threat materials.

Even with the support, it took me closer to the 5 yr, of the 2-5 yr A recovery timeframe, to let my guard down. And only because I now know that I’m my own safe place. I still have what I’d call my quick release. I know that I can find a little apartment on my own and make it a happy place for me if things don’t work out. They HAVE worked out for us. But, that quick release plan makes me feel safer. People do survive this. Marriages always end….. in divorce or death.

About C-PTSD and healing from an A…..For the first several years for me, it was hard for me to see anything my FWH did has good. I know that he was doing things differently, but my background made it very difficult to open myself up to seeing the positive changes he was making. He is a different man. You don’t have to stay if you feel your H isn’t reconciliation material. That being said, having a debilitating illness, like celiac, makes reconciliation difficult. I’ve noticed that in our journey, when my FWH is in a challenging place with his own life (health, emotional, his aging parents, etc.) I will get triggered because he’s taken the focus off our marriage and onto whatever he needs to deal with. Not 100%, mind you…he doesn’t completely become an a—hole. For me, that pulling back into himself feels like he’s pulling away….and back into A mode. He’s not. Not that I can see anyways. Though, C-PTSD makes you so hyper vigilant that I would start looking for ways that he might be in A mode. Now, I focus on…if he is…what will I do about that. I have to look for evidence of the good changes he’s made and remind myself of them. The truth always comes out in the end. I’ll get some flack for having sympathy for the WS, but we all have challenging seasons. It is part of the human existence. Choosing to have a A to deal with them isn’t healthy. But shouldn’t we all have a relationship where we support each other through those challenging times? Isn’t that what we signed up for? I wish recovery put a hold on all other life challenges, but it doesn’t.

I once heard that in marriage you have to give 100%. But, no partner can always give 100%. Some days, I have 20 to give….I have to lean on him for the rest and vice versa. Now when we have life’s challenges we try hard to lean into each other for support. We never did that before the A. I don’t think he felt that he could burden me with his issues, despite decades of marriages and a wonderful kid. I love our marriage now. I’m grateful for the efforts we both put in and what our marriage has become. Hate the why of it, but glad for where we are.

Thank you for your posts. I have been trying unsuccessfully to find a therapist for EMDR but so far I only found someone working virtually and I don’t want that. I’ve been to several IC people in my life and sadly I’m always very disappointed with them. They don’t help me, I have trust issues, so I read books on my own. But I do find reading on this subject to be more difficult than anything I’ve tried before. It’s very triggering and we are healing very slowly. We recently picked up The Betrayal Bond. I thought that was great.

I’ve changed a lot since this all started. My self confidence is shot. I’m struggling to be myself. I now think I’m just this overbearing offensive know-it-all with no filter. We’ve been watching Love on the Spectrum and I’m wondering if I’m actually autistic too. But regardless I think the show is excellent for teaching boundaries and basic relationship building skills. My husband is watching it too and he thinks it’s helping him better understand me and my triggers. If you watch the show, I like the way most of the parents are so kind to their kids. I like the way everyone is so careful of each other’s feelings. Something I certainly never experienced as a kid. I feel very grateful for my husband because he is always very kind to me. Even through all of this, he is always so very kind and supportive. I can’t say the same for myself. I’m very critical and blunt and possibly even mean. I always felt used for sex or just plain work and I never really trusted my husband anyway when he said he loved me so much. It took me a very long time to realize that he does really love me and always did. His celiac disease really did cause a lot of exhaustion and depression that didn’t allow him to help with the house or the kids. He always wanted to but just never could. I can see that now. Plus, his own dysfunctional family garbage and mine…just an emotional mess.

In some ways things are so much better now and for that I am grateful. His parents have both passed away and that is a relief for me but also sad that he is still struggling with those losses. He never confronted his parents when they were alive. I did confront mine. Not that I’m recommending that because the estrangement from my parents and sister was even so much harder than my husband’s betrayal. As strange as that might seem. My parents abandoned me emotionally. My husband abandoned me physically but not emotionally. The emotional abandonment is so much harder. My parents are the most stubborn people alive and refuse to admit any wrongdoing or give up any apology. When I estranged from them my father actually told my husband to divorce me because I was crazy. Then after 5 years of no contact with them, they offered to pay for my lawyer when my husband filed for divorce! Seriously!? Their idea of helping was to support my divorce? Anyways lots of complicated backstory there that takes a lifetime to explain. Another reason I don’t have time for IC and probably don’t need it. I know the truth at least in this case. So that’s why I’m still here. Because my husband is my most devoted friend and confidant. I tell him everything. Even if it’s hurtful or offensive. I know he loves me and I knew that even when he was cheating. You can’t just stop loving the person you’ve adored for 25 years. And he adored me. He stood by me through the most painful estrangement with my parents. I was depressed, useless, crying and sobbing and ranting everyday over their stubborn and abusive behavior. My husband snapped. It’s ok. It happens.

I also know firsthand how manipulative and terrible women can be. How dopey men can be. How easy they are to manipulate. And this was what really made me the maddest. That my husband would be lured into this trap and then be too afraid to escape. To then be literally blackmailed for three years. Unbelievable. But I was checked out. I wasn’t there for him. I was all consumed with my own grief and he was really struggling with his stuff too. His mom had died, his wife was a basket case, he worked constantly to support 5 mostly ungrateful people, he was physically ill. It’s easy for me to forgive but I still have my moments of deep despair for being unable to prevent the dysfunctional family patterns from happening in my family, something I desperately wanted and that now feels lost to me. And now knowing we now have so much repair to do and have caused irreparable damage to our own kids. Worrying what this will do to the trajectory of their lives.

It feels nice to try to compartmentalize and move closer to emotional regulation. Sometimes I seek out my triggers to see if they are still there. Sometimes they are. I remember when this all first started, my thoughts felt like cactus spines in my eyes and I spent a lot of time avoiding those thoughts as best I could. I still have to drive by the place where the affair started everyday on my way to and from work but now most days I don’t even notice. I hope with continued awareness of any and all of my thoughts and feelings I will face them with greater courage and confidence. Thank you for being here to support others. It does help. Sorry that I don’t want an IC. I hope you won’t think I’m too much of a burden because I won’t do the work. I think we are generally doing really well most days but joining this group did prompt my husband to finally take a step and he contacted his employer and reported the AP. I’m surprised actually but he said he doesn’t want this to be still bothering me so much. I told him he wasn’t owning this problem or even really taking responsibility for it. He just keeps apologizing and trying to move on but it’s been 3.5 years and he still won’t even explain what happened in any detail so it’s hard for me to trust him. So anyways…we shall see what happens now. The employer said they will be doing an investigation.

You have to do what works best for you. Hang in there.