72 hours since finding out and in so much pain - any advice appreciated

First off, I am extremely grateful that I found this support forum/group. I've read through quite a bit of posts, but haven't found one (yet, still looking) that mirrors my situation, so I figured I start a post to get some much needed advice and feedback.

Quick background: My wife and I have been together since 2010 and we married in 2012. We have three kids together, ages 15, 13 and 6. Our relationship has never been one that I would call "picture perfect" or easy going. We both met fairly recently after having gone through divorces with our previous spouse(s). Difference between the two of us, is that she pursued the divorce with her ex while I suffered through lots of pain/heartache and misery through mine. So needless to say when we first met, I wasn't truly ready to jump right back into a relationship whereas she did. However, we did and she quickly moved into my apartment w/in the first 8 months and we get pregnant.

The reason I make note of that is b/c most of our arguments always go back to the beginning of our relationship. She claims that I never loved her as much as she loved me. This has been constantly brought up in practically every conversation. I admit that I wasn't as gung-ho to get back into a serious relationship, but with a baby on the way, there wasn't any way that I wasn't going to commit. Anyway, long story short - here are some bulletpoints and what transpired this past Monday.

Her complaints about me and what ends up surfacing in just about every argument we have:
- I never loved her as much as she loved me
- I regularly try to get out of having to visit her sisters (each time we have to visit, it's an overnighter due to distance)
- I regularly try to get out of having to go to her family functions (that wasn't the case in the beginning, but gradually became true).
- I have growingly become insecure and make jabs about her cheating (true) or doing something inappropriate
- Within the last 4 years, I have hidden the fact that I had been drinking, or lie about it. Numerous times. This has been one of the biggest arguments that we've had and in all honesty, has really pushed her away from me, little by little.
- That she is going to be 51 soon and she needs to know that she's going to enjoy the rest of her life and be with someone that truly loves her. I'm not him.

She has told me several times recently that she wants a separation, but only b/c she wants to see if that will make her miss me. Quick backstory on that, she has always worked from home while I worked in an office or away from home. I have since been working from home for the past 3 years and we see each other EVERY DAY (when she doesn't travel) and has IMO been a killer to our sex life and has made us become more like roommates than a couple. I don't believe that this is the reason for her wanting a separation, I believe it's b/c she wants to meet and date other people. She hasn't threatened divorce and I honestly get the feeling that she's wanting me to initiate it, or do something so stupid (DUI for example), that it would justify her leaving.

Fast forward to earlier this month. She has a work function in New Orleans. Normally when we call at night, she answers or texts back if she's out or busy. Two of the Three nights our calls went unanswered. When we did speak to her, she claims that she either didn't see the call or was asleep.' She returns home and we argue, as usual. She again tells me that she wants a separation. I suggest counseling. She doesn't want to do it. She tells me that I need to focus on myself (therapy or AA for drinking) before she'll do anything with me. I have done therapy and counseling a number of times but my therapist keeps telling me that my marriage/relationship is tied in with the drinking, so he continues to recommend a combo of individual and couples therapy. She refuses.

Just this past Monday I get a gut feeling that something is up, so while she is in the shower, I go through her phone. I specifically go to the messages between her and a co-workers as that's who I'm suspecting. I start scrolling and scrolling and there's a pit in my stomach, I start to shake, my heart is beating out of my chest. All I see is heart emoji this, heart emoji that, I miss you messages, GM beautiful (him to her), him sending her songs that remind him of her, she responding that she loves receiving the songs etc. This goes back to about the time she was in New Orleans. At this point, I don't know what to do, I'm speechless, shocked, hurt.

I wait for her to get out of the shower to ask her if she's been having an affair. At first, she gets defensive, telling me 'of course i bring this up just as she's about to leave for a business trip.' But then, she asks why I'm asking and what do I know. i tell her that I downloaded an app that told me that she's received a ton of messages with hearts, cue words like "I miss you," etc and that I've had a gut feeling about this for awhile. She asks how long I've known (sounds like an admission) and never denies it. Instead, she reminds me that she's been telling me that she's wanted a separation for awhile and told me that she wants to make sure she finds someone that will truly love her and appreciate her (another admission). She then blames her actions on all of my past transgressions/flaws that I've outlined earlier. Basically placing the blame on me as to why she did, and is doing, on me. This is where I'm mind fuc*ed. She won't even allow me to be mad at her b/c I pushed her to this place.

I still don't have all of the details, b/c I didn't want to make a scene in front of our three young kids and b/c she was about to leave on a business trip (she has since left and the co-worker will be there). So now I sit here not knowing the extent, or the details, just that it happened, or is still happening. I believe it to be the latter as I found out by going through text messages on her phone. I'm freakin lost, man. I have been a shell of myself these last 72 or so hours. I can't sleep, it is hard to breathe at times and I have such a knot in my stomach. I finally folded and started crying like a baby this afternoon. My whole world feels like it's fallen on top of me. I'm embarrassed, I'm confused and I dont' know what to do, or what the immediate future holds. Any and all advice and/or insight is greatly appreciated.

14 comments posted: Saturday, August 22nd, 2026