BW, 36 WH, 36 PA and EA approx. a year and a halfDDay: July 6th, 2023Trying to reconcile

What's done in darkness always comes to light.

Nightmares

I have had nightmares about my WH's infidelity ever since Dday (22 months ago).We are in MC and trying to reconcile. We have made progress and he has changed a lot. He has done the work and so far, his behavior has been impeccable.

Nightmares occur from about twice a month to nearly 3 to 4 times a week. They are always the same: I discover the AP is still in the picture and he tells me he can't give up on her. They love each other and decides to pursue a relationship with her. He has no intentions of abandoning me, just plans to have the cake and eat it too.

I have had nightmares nearly every night this week and I feel exhausted. Sometimes I wake up sobbing because I begged him in my sleep to just kill me as I can't take it anymore. A few nights ago I dreamed I was choking him. The night before yesterday, I had a graphic and violent dream involving the OW. I slapped her, punched her, bit her, pulled her hair and banged her head against the wall. I felt horrible the whole day yesterday.

I ocassionally talk about it in IC. My therapist thinks my brain is trying to process the trauma. I am on mood stabilizers and antidepressants to manage anxiety and depression.

When I look at my life, I see I have made progress in healing. I am on the right path and deal with the pain and betrayal in therapy. I read a lot, focus on myself and try to enjoy the little things in life.

But I can't help but feel utterly sad when I see how profound the damage is. I have been traumatized by the one person I trusted with my life.

Please tell me I am not alone in this.

4 comments posted: Thursday, May 15th, 2025

Snooping around

I'm not sure if this belongs here but given the discovery I've made, it just might be a nice fit.

So, DDay was in July 2023. We decided to start IC and MC to try to reconcile. The first year has been volatile, to say the least, and not a day goes by without me thinking about what happened. I just have those intrusive thoughts and images, I have a very vivid imagination and end up torturing myself (I am working on it in IC).

So last night my inner voice kept nagging me to check his phone and so I did. It turned out there were some forgotten images of my WH and the OW dating back from 2022 and 2023. Of course, I looked at them all, including the videos. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I just couldn't help myself. I saw things that deeply upset me - him taking a photo of her while sleeping, her taking a photo while taking a nap, them cooking together, bowling, listening to music, him goofing around... I've found her naked pics, him ejac****ing all over her back... He sent her videos of our son, himself with his parents and I feel disgusted. What kind of a person shares a kid's video with their mistress?! I am fuming! I feel so invaded and betrayed.

The discovery may not be related to any recent infidelities but it is a discovery and a very traumatizing one. I haven't eaten or slept for 24 hours straight. I am angry at him, her, and myself, I am angry at myself for snooping around, for staying with the cheater. I can't even look at him, I feel so disgusted and ashamed by everything he has done. In the meantime, he bawls his eyes out, begs me to keep trying to reconcile, not to give up on him, and promises he will never do such a thing again. Truth be told, he has been trying hard in the past 19 months.

So now what? How to process discoveries that came later on about the affair? I just feel so tired and lost.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I apologize for any mistakes, English is not my native language.

15 comments posted: Sunday, December 15th, 2024