SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long time lurker first time poster.

When did you know that your BS or you if you were the BS was really truly done?

10 years together. No kids. Have a house together. Both late 20s.

We've been going to MC for 6 months and had two DDays. One in late June 2025 and one in early September from me trickle truthing. He's been hopeful until Monday of this week.

We've had the longest string of bad days since the start. So far we've had over half of our days pretty good. Last night he punched the ground and called me a whore and threw his phone across the room. He keeps calling me fundamentally broken and a bad person. He says I have a void that can only be filled with dick. Before when things were bad he has said he felt unsure about whether he wanted to be done, he says now he feels sure. He is in a very heightened state right now and I don't know if he's making it in response to current state or long term desires.

He spent all yesterday on forums (here and Reddit) reading stories of people who stayed together and regretted it which he attributes to his feeling that he is certain this time. He believes the vast majority of people who stay together regret it. He believes he can never look at me the same way again. He grieves so deeply what we had pre -DDay and wants to be with someone he can look at and not have the "yes but" feeling with.

We've spent today flip flopping between him yelling at me and us holding each other and crying at the idea of us being done.

When did you know? Is there any hope for us?

Our Story:
I cheated on my partner of 10 years 3 times. We were in an open relationship for most of our relationship.
-One was a EA where I told I friend I loved him in 2019 with no action after.

Then I had two violations of our open relationship agreements:
-First I flirted with a guy for 3 weeks in a community group I was in who wasn't my friend at the time but became in a group of friends that formed from the community group. I cut it off later than I should have. I didn't tell him about it. This violation was I flirted with someone who became part of a friend group later on.
-Second on a trip to Europe I went to France and spent three days with a French man who I had hooked up with (ethically under our arrangement) 7 years prior. This violation was we spent time together outside of the intent of having sex.

During these infidelities I was filled with ambivalence -- feeling an emotional connection but wanting to stop feeling it because I wanted to be with my partner. I journaled about these feelings to try to get them out and done with but did not disclose the feelings. This May I made plans to go back to Europe and was going to meet up with the French man.

He found out by going through my phone. He read my private journal notes, looked at messages, etc. I trickle truthed for 2 months until September of 2025 I finally told him everything but only after he pressured me. I feel horribly about my trickle truthing and wish I had just gotten it all on the table.

I am fully committed to R but have stumbled on the way. I have NC with all of those people. Im in IC and fully accept all the horrible things I've done. I've restarted medication that I stopped. We've closed the relationship. I give him full access to my phone and have my location on for him to see at all times. None of these entitle me to R and I know that I deserve separation.

Okay first thing first.

Open relationship is not a relationship.

And neither of you seem to want it.

Feeling I get from this is: we are young and we like each other a lot, maybe feeling love, but we have also fear of missing out so we do not want to preclude ourselves to sexual experiences with other people and regret it later in life.

Which is a common trait in people with insecurity and low self worth.

On the other hand you have something so you speak the "mainstream fake open minded" open relationships = freedom, while you instinct pulls you towards each other.

And the fact that the cheating hurt is testament to it.

When I say "open relationship is BS, it's NO relationship", is coming from a guy who was dating dozens of girls at a time. I had no romantic life, it was void, shallow, zero connection, because the reason why I did it it was fear of connection and being hurt.

Because when I committed I always got hurt.

You say you have open relationship but have feelings for each other. So there can not be space for a third person (or fourth or fifth) without sacrificing those feeling. It just cannot work, those who say it works, simply lie and have the same issues you see in WS and AP (they often were / are).

In short it was cognitive dissonance, you want to be together but you also want to "follow the trend", in this state the external validation that you get from cheating (you said open but in fact, it felt like cheating right?) is temporary soothing of your fear of vulnerability and insecurities.

Is a mindset that says "if I do it first I will suffer less if my partner does it to me" whether you are consciously aware or not. Ask yourself honestly, how you would have felt if he did it and you were betrayed by him. Would have been ok for you?

Truth is: it will destroy the bond you had.

your partner suffers it greatly (see how "open" it truly was?) and you suffer it too (now you wonder if there is a chance right?)

When did you know that your BS or you if you were the BS was really truly done?

I can tell you from a BS side, that is the one most interesting for you.

You go through phases, shock, grief, disgust, anger, despair/happiness rollercoaster, anger, depression, ptsd, anger, integration, acceptance.

After reaching the acceptance there are two main outcome, both require years and years, sometimes decades:

- Disgust wins, love is dead, you accept you will never get it back where it was before. You walk away, or if you stay is for reasons other than your wayward partner.

- "forgiveness" wins, you feeel your WS put in enough effort to change that is a new person (but you have to heal yourself too), and you can rebuild enough trust to rebuild something new. The Reconciliation might start.

Notice something here: the pre-betrayal relationship is dead

All that was is lost. All that is, is lost. All the future you planed is lost.

You cannot turn back time and prevent the betrayal. You cannot resurrect the relationship. Is gone, over, forever.

You "can" rebuild something new, and some people manage it, but it all depends on your healing first (the WP choices killed it) and on your BS willingness first, and healing second (if the BS does not heal, you have no chance, only the BS can open the door to R, the WS has no power here).

When did you know? Is there any hope for us?

I knew after 17 years from her first adultery. We were not married not engaged then.

Destroyed me. We built a life got married, adopted a child. then few months ago I opened my eyes and felt Ï am done with this girl, it is over, I do not love her"

Disgust won, years after she thought she repaired our bond, and now she is the one suffering while I am detached.

Some people reconciled successfully.

You need to understand the extent of the betrayal wound, is a wound that teaches your body and your nerve system this:

I am not chosen. I am not enough. I am replaceable.

Is not a mental thing, is deeper, it is physical.

You need to understand because even if you R with your Betrayed Partner, there will come a day when he might tell you out of the blue "I am done with you, you are dead to me". No matter how in love you will feel to be. No matter where you will be in life.

You must decide if you are ready to take this risk, you will never be off the hook.

Right now the anger and disgust he is expressing by verbally insulting you is unpleasant (but is normal, is not good, but the pain is huge, it might happen and he is completely disregulated right now), it is nothing to what is expecting you once you are both truly healed, if you finally attach and he will finally detach. That will tear your heart to pieces.

The question you need to pose yourself is: are you willing to take up this risk?

From what I read you are not ready to R. He is in chaos. You are likely rationalizing, minimizing and defending your self image and ego with excuses and lies or trickle truths.

You are not in R you are in a transitional phase, the best you can get out of it right now is a trauma bond (unhealthy, it will bite you back).

Therapy for you and for him might give you a shot to see if there is the chance for healing enough to begin Reconciliation.

If that is the case you might make it.

It will be something else though, the love you had before was sacrificed by your choices to your Affair Partners, those men mattered to you more than your boyfriend at that moment in time, this is the consequence.

So your question has only this answer. If your affairs were worth more than your boyfriend you should never even try to R, it will be only pain for you and him.

If they did not, be aware that your BP has learned that those men mattered for you more than him, and that is not going away for the rest of your lives. Love is dead. Relationship is dead.

You may try to heal your wounds and then attempt to build a new bond.

Only when you finish that process you will know if your Boyfriend is giving you truly a chance (with a damocle's sword on your head for the entire life, bond might break at any moment in the future) or he is done.

Healing will give both of you clarity.

I am sorry because I can feel your pain and you have my sympathy but this is the reality of the attachment wound caused, you picked the dance now you can only dance it or walk away and try not to make mistakes with a new partner (but if you do not heal first, it will happen again)

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:06 PM, Friday, February 6th]

Just to be clear since you made a very specific question that right now can be more pressing that understanding the facets of the issue:

No matter how much you regret, you understand or you want to give your R a chance, you have no say on this. Only your betrayed partner can decide to give a chance. The betrayer has no right nor any say in getting a second chance.

He says he is sure he is done. I am not sure, he is on a rollercoaster, right now. He surely means it, but if he did not walk away yet, he is still not 100% sure. Don't need to understand it, is cognitive dissonance, the BS will go through that a lot in the initial phases.

You should keep IC and heal yourself no matter if he leaves you or not.
Betrayal is not a isolated thing, is a character flaw, is a pattern that repeats over and over and over unless you heal.

The saying

"Once a cheater always a cheater" --> yes, it is true --> Unless you heal yourself, then you can definitively change

So healing is the most important for YOU.
Do not miss out on that, it's your future.

Unless you are a sociopath (and you don't look like one, just a flawed person with good side and unresolved issues), being a cheater always destroys your life. And even the day you stop cheating because you want to stop the chaos, you will end up being cheated on most likely.

And you will see how much worse is being the BS right then.

Heal yourself, nothing of the above is worthy, you suffered enough already, you can be in a better place and repair your future if nothing else, even if the past is gone.

I have different views.

*****

What is your MC doing?

*****

IMO, a BS can't R unless they heal, and the BS is the only one who can heal the BS.

Name calling really bothers me. I didn't call my W names because betrayal is in a class by itself. Calling my W a whore insults whores; who after all take money for sex by definition. Calling my W a slut or a bitch insults dogs, because dogs aren't known for bonding with other dogs for life. Calling her a snake insults snakes ... etc., etc., etc.

If your partner doesn't help himself to heal, you can't R. And if he can't heal on his own, he needs to ask for help. Perhaps your MC can help; if not, your MC can certainly refer your partner to a good IC.

*****

There are no good statistics on infidelity and its outcomes. Peggy Vaughan did a systematic study and found that a majority of her 1100-1200 respondents stayed together, which is different from 'reconciled.' But that was from self-selected respondents. I've seen some peer-reviewed papers, but they, too, rely on self-selected informants. The General Social Survey uses good samples, but they rely on interviews, and it's possible (probable?) that people will answer an anonymous survey differently than they respond to interviews.

*****

I don't know if your BS is leaning toward splitting or scared he might put in a lot of effort and time and split in the end or just fears the unknown or ????

*****

Do you really want to stay together? Do you have conditions/requirements? One way to find out what your partner is thinking might be to ask to talk about what you both want your new relationship to be. If he's willing to talk about the future, you have the beginnings of a future together.

*****

I may be an outlier on this, but I think R requires an equal partnership between BS and WS. Both of you need to know and communicate what you want and need to R. If you can't agree on what the new partnership will be, IMO it's best to split.

What you are seeing is that Open Relationships DO NOT WORK. Repeat this 1000 times after me. Over and over and over and over again. I am so sick of seeing this from people - OPEN RELATIONSHIP DO NOT WORK. Don't tell me about this one or that one where they had such a great relationship for the ages. Romeo and Juliet did not have an open relationship. No great relationship is EVER an open one. That always gives you an escape valve, a back door, out of the relationship. Usually one partner pressures the other into this and...it fails as it did with you. PLEASE END THIS CONCEPT WITH HIM AND ALL FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS. You will never have a successful relationship doing this. Why? Because of what you see now. People are naturally jealous and concerned about commitment, afraid of being abandoned, insecure about how they are loved, and another lover is COMPETITION for time, energy, affection, resources. It always is. This is why polygamy, which is a form of open relationship ALWAYS fails. Even if people accommodate it because they live in a polygamous society, they're never happy. Look at how many polygamous relationships in the Bible, which was a polygamous society, failed or had terrible results. They actually all did - because this is a failed concept based generally on selfishness, lack of real commitment and lack of understanding of how relationships actually work with real people, and not in theory. I'd be willing to guess this was originally your husband's idea - am I right?

So....this was building your relationship on sand. It was only a matter of time before it collapsed. He can't really deal with this when you do it. And you did it several times. I'm not blaming you, it sounds like you tried to keep within the rules of this concept - maybe you were confused about how it would "work" or what he would accept. well, in reality....not bloody much.

That's the reality of relationships. People want to be the ONLY one. It's very, very rare to find exceptions to that. Even me, I am not a jealous or possessive person by nature....but I want to be the only one. And while your husband may run around, you don't mention if he's had his flings within the terms of this OR, he definitely cannot accept this from you. So I don't really think what you did was being unfaithful....I think you were in an OR and the concept itself does not work. Don't beat yourself up over this - just stay out of ORs in the future.

As for this relationship, I don't know if this can be recovered. He's right, most recons do not work. I would say it's probably well over 90%. Most people DO regret recon, I have seen it repeatedly. Even if people stay together, as in a marriage....an actual marriage.....they usually end up in an arrangement because the love is gone. The BS actually does view the "WW" (because I really don't consider you that) differently. And a lot of that comes down to exclusivity. Romeo and Juliet. Not Romeo and Juliet and Steve. I think he's being unfair to you but the worst thing you did was lie to him and trickle truth him. This means he doesn't feel he can trust you as well. So I think the relationship is really tarnished at this point. What I would do is end this, amicably, just recognize that the relationship itself was built on a false and unworkable premise and just end it. Not sure if you're legally married. If you are, just get a divorce.

Maybe after a period of real separation where he gets to see what life is like without you and has a period to cool down and consider how he feels, he may decide to look at things differently and try to revive it with you. This would be a SECOND EXCLUSIVE RELATIONSHIP - a 2nd marriage, not a continuation of the first. I would not hold out hope for this, I think you have to live your own life, but I think you both need a full separation because right now all you do is trigger him. He can't get past this. When a man starts calling you a whore and things like that....it doesn't get any better. His ideas are not based in reality, of course, they're based in anger, jealousy, and a feeling of being deceived. He can only get over that, if he will, on his own.

So....right now, I think he's right and I would just end this, go forward and live your own lives, don't ever do Open Relationships ever again, this is NOT a relationship, it is an anti-relationship, and just try to make a good life for yourself. He might decide to have another go at it with you but keep in mind that what people aspire to....is not always what they can live with. I wish you luck, but as awful as this seems right now, it's not the end of the world, and you're not a bad person, you just didn't understand what you had or how it might work. Now you do.

I don't know if we can change our user names, but I'd recommend that for you if you can. I'm not sure what your name means, but you're not garbage even if this marriage does not work. You made mistakes you can learn from. Fortunately you're young enough that no matter what happens with him, you can have other opportunities going forward. Don't make the OR mistake again, and do try to understand the importance of fidelity and honesty in a relationship - for both sides.

It was the realization that my WS didn't really love me. This belief backed by all of his betrayals and that his betrayals will most likely continue. It is the short answer that makes sense. If real love had been there, the choices that my WS made that destroyed our marriage would not have happened. He promised himself to me, so that is what I expected. But he was never committed. From what you have written - you aren't committed either. Why waste anymore of your life on this non-relationship? Is an 'open relationship' not mature enough to commit. Or, maybe just not with the right person to make it real. Make it real. Be real. If you really care about this person then be honest and let them go. It is cruel to continue hurting someone for your own selfishness. You will both be happier in the long run. Don't wait until your age limits your decisions.
Yes, I have regrets. I could have had someone all these years who really loved me - or I could have lived happily solo. No regrets having my children, but their lives would have been much enriched with parents who mutually loved each other.

Everyone's wired differently; hence, actions and reactions vary. But from my experience as a betrayed person and in reading others who were betrayed, anger isn't necessarily a precursor to being done. When the betrayed person is angry, it's often because they're still with the person who caused the pain, yet can't decide to leave them.

Whereas it's often the calm, less anxious, and detached betrayed spouse who has come to terms with the end of the relationship and is "done". Of course, this is a general read on my personal experience, drawing on hundreds of cases here and elsewhere.