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@HikingOut thank you for your reply.
I do wonder - do you (and anyone else reading who had an affair) think you would have made the same choices if affairs were generally recognised as being a form of abuse?

** Member to Member **

For the record, some of us think As are inherently 'abuse'. Others think some As are abuse, and some As aren't. Others think As are not abuse.

IMO, we don't know yet which is correct, but I suspect we're each right for ourselves. I have no argument with a BS who says 'I think and A is 'abuse.' I haven't seen an analogy that works to describe being a BS; those I have seen are at best partially suggestive.

IMO, all BSes are victims and collateral damage. IMO, Healing includes accepting that and moving on - to realizing/accessing/using our power. We are victims, but we do not have to take on the role of Victim in a Drama Triangle.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:27 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

31RS

I have long believed that, whether overtly expressed or covertly harbored, many if not most marital betrayals are a way to strike out/back at the faithful spouse. The slight/resentment can be real, imagined and many times tremendously maximized/overblown in their head in order to somehow justify their treason. This too is another reason to tread very very carefully through any attemp at reconciliation as they have proven not only their ability to abuse via betrayal, but to justify their actions during that time via their harbored "resentments".

The capacity to do this within themselves is another layer that would need to be peeled back and excised from their character before any real attempt at R could be made.

As Ive said before, human nature and behavior is incredibly hard to change, the great success stories to the contrary in this site notwithstanding.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:55 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

For me, part of using my power is accurately naming my experience. Another important part is talking openly about my story, because if this ever happens to my children, I want them to understand it for what it is and not to carry an ounce of shame. For many people, part of becoming a survivor is first acknowledging that they were a victim. I do appreciate hearing from people who feel differently. Differing views on this are something I am trying to understand.

Struggling—

I don’t really know. I generally think what I was personally battling, and had coped terribly with for years held a very powerful force in my life. My nervous system had been acclimated towards chaos since I was old enough to relate within my family. There was no room for me to have needs or feelings and Avoidance, escapism, and compartmentalization were my main ways of dealing with life from a small child onward. I wasn’t a strongly empathetic person because I avoided my own feelings it was hard to understand other people’s pain.

For a long time after my affair I told people that I thought I was empathetic. But as I have grown to be able to sit and feel my feelings l, my empathy that has really grown a great deal. I can relate to other peoples feelings because I now relate to my own.

So my answer I think is it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference. I mean I knew what I was doing was wrong. I didn’t anticipate the pain I would inflict on him. And most ws have these justifications—he won’t find out, he doesn’t love me anymore, he just keeps me around so he has a maid. I had built my resentments (based on a skewed perception) into entitlement.

It was me who made myself small in all of it. I was always afraid to take up space in my relationships. I kept my needs to myself to the point I stopped identifying them. I was really dead inside. I didn’t care about myself much less anything external in my life going on.

I do not think this excuses what I did. I don’t think it takes away whatever labels anyone wants to put on it. It was the most cruel thing I ever did to anyone. I just don’t think at the time I was capable of understanding it on the level I do now.

I think naming what you felt is so valid. I also understand why some people do not feel that’s the label they would put on it in their own circumstance. That’s why I don’t really mind how people want to name their experience. I know there is no universal correct way to feel.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:07 PM, Friday, August 21st]

I have long believed that, whether overtly expressed or covertly harbored, many if not most marital betrayals are a way to strike out/back at the faithful spouse. The slight/resentment can be real, imagined and many times tremendously maximized/overblown in their head in order to somehow justify their treason. This too is another reason to tread very very carefully through any attemp at reconciliation as they have proven not only their ability to abuse via betrayal, but to justify their actions during that time via their harbored "resentments".

The capacity to do this within themselves is another layer that would need to be peeled back and excised from their character before any real attempt at R could be made.

I fully agree with all of this….