SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stevesn, I never thought about telling her what she did broke something inside of me and that I built walls up to protect myself, very good point! I guess I was only thinking of her explaining her part to me and not thinking of telling her what happened to me inside as the result of her infidelity.

I’ve read enough on here to realize IC would help me sort this out but she’s not big on any type of therapy. She would go if I pushed it but what would her attitude be when we got there?

Yes, if we don’t do anything then things will stay exactly the same, she’s probably fine with that because I don’t think she completely understands how bad this hurt me. That takes us back to what you said about letting her know her actions broke something inside me!

HouseOfPlane,

Nice to have another aviator on here!
Freespotting sounds very intriguing! Therapy I can do myself anytime and anywhere means I can start right away and go as long as I want or need to. Thanks so much for letting me know about this!

Sounds like you had a similar experience getting hit with emotions and feelings that you thought were in the past and never coming back only to haunt you years later. Boy do I understand!

I do believe what you wrote below,

"I’m a firm believer that why while your wife can help you, the true answers are within you".

Thanks!

DobleTraicion,

Yes, we do have a lot in common! This is one of the big things that helped me when I found this place. The peace of knowing someone else has been through what I’ve been through and that they understand exactly how I feel! It’s comforting to me!

That’s great that you found someone who you can trust and who understands you. I don’t think I could ever trust another woman because I can’t go through that pain again, too much hurt!

I understand about not getting the resolution I desire, it’s been 33 years living the same way, why should she think it will ever be different.

I have accepted that I chose to stay with someone who hurt me in the worst possible way, I just don’t think she realizes the pain she caused and that’s partly on me for not showing her.

When she said she wanted a chance to tell her side of the story it made me wonder how could she have any remorse if she needs to explain to others why she cheated on me. Very confusing!

Your comment below is true but it still stings. I am hoping we can have a better relationship but that means things need to change!

"That continuing to stay with her is a tacit admission on your part that it is also "good enough" for you (can be tough to swallow).

Yes, I will continue to post on here and I sincerely appreciate everyone’s kindness and help!

BTW this 60 something is fine being coached up lol

[This message edited by 31RS at 12:57 AM, Sunday, August 9th]

I just don’t think she realizes the pain she caused and that’s partly on me for not showing her.

Most prbably not, and again, she may not have the capacity to do do.

Its been discussed here many times that a severe empathy defecit on the part of the wayward just ends up prolonging tbe pain in tbe betrayed, particulaly if tbe betrayed is hoping for that empathy to help them heal.

I think youd agree by now that the probability of getting any measure of that is pretty low at this late date. In all fairness, she may have internal hang ups such as the fear of letting that pain, guilt and hurt in as she doesnt think she could handle it, so she just walls it off. This too has been talked about a lot around here.

If a fuller measure of healing is to be had for you, it is going to have to happen on your side only. This is one of the reasons that Im encouraging you to seek IC. Yeh, even us 60 somethings can benefit from being "coached up" in this regard

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:33 AM, Sunday, August 9th]

DobleTraicion, you make a very good point, she might not have the capacity to understand the pain she put me through.

I never considered the possibility of her having a severe empathy deficit either.

One thing I have learned here at SI is the BS heals the BS and IC can definitely help.

I don’t expect a lot of questions answered but I’d like to be able to sit down and have a civil discussion about what she did and our relationship moving forward. I don’t expect her questions to heal me I just need for her to tell me her story. I won’t judge her, it’s been way too long!

BTW, This 60 something doesn’t mind being coached up lol.

[This message edited by 31RS at 12:59 AM, Sunday, August 9th]

I wish I had the path to lead you to a "mind movie" free existence. I think that path may not exist!

As I lay in bed preparing for sleep, my mind replays many scenes from my life. There are some that get rerun the most. These are primarily the ones where I was wronged. My infidelity betrayal movie was created decades ago and it's the most frequently replayed.

If you find the right path, please share with us!

Rocko, I truly understand and it sure is painful as you’re well aware! I think you’re right about the path to mind free movies doesn’t exist

My fidelity betrayal movie was also created decades ago and if you saw throughout this thread I had 31 years of mind movies from a woman who said she "cheated to punish me" so you can probably imagine my movies were off the scale imagining what she did with another man to punish me!

Rocko, if I find the right path I promise to share it with you!

Take care

Rocko.

a "mind movie" free existence

Seriously, read my post above on free spotting. It can likely change your relationship to those memories. I have found that it doesn’t eliminate them, it just makes them something closer to boring.

Some extra hints to add to my post…

- the time limit is important. Just go for five minutes, setting a timer.
- pick a point above your gaze line, so you were looking up. I don’t know why, but it seems to be important. Don’t stare at your finger in your lap.
- when you generate the emotion, move your attention onto the feeling of it. Where is it in your body? Actually feel it. Well at the same time keeping your attention on that point that you’re staring at.
- enough talking, give it a try!

I rid myself of mind movies quite effectively. The producer was a hack, the director sucked, the writing was terrible, the actors worthy of Raspberry Awards, even the gaffer was a moron. I fired them all. And it worked, because they were all me.

HouseOfPlane, I’ve tried the Freespotting technique and was surprised how much it helps, and this is only since yesterday!
I’ve been focusing on a light fixture in the living room which works well. I’ve also been reading about Clint Metheny, very interesting. Thanks for sharing this technique with me and others!

Unhinged, sounds like you fired the whole film crew lol.

It worked. While I have a great imagination, I simply refused to allow my imagination to create the worst fucking movies I've ever seen!

Unhinged, I’m glad you could shut down the movies. Mine were less frequent and less intense after my trigger and our talk.

House of Plane

I will certainly give it a try!

Thank You

My fidelity betrayal movie was also created decades ago and if you saw throughout this thread I had 31 years of mind movies from a woman who said she "cheated to punish me"

Does she have ANY idea the impact her "punishment" had on you? Tell her this and you’ll get a very fast indication whether she has any empathy at all.

gr8ful, yes she does realize the incredible impact her punishment had on me!

Really sorry to hear your story 31RS.

The worst is that you were just trying to become a better person by going through difficult military training, and your wife punished you for that.

My fiancee cheated on me, and also when she was telling me the stories, there were no tears of remorse. No remorse at all.

It's crazy because I viewed her as the most kind and empathetic person in the world. I trusted her wholeheartedly... and I'm usually quite distrustful and a bit cynical in that regard.

They say nothing makes a woman angrier than catching her in a lie... or something to that affect. And I've noticed that in her too.

I used to go in charging like a bull and just lay all my card on the table, just speak my mind and ask for the same - to just lay out the truth.

But I realized this is chess and not checkers, and now taking notes from Sun Tzu and I'm keeping all that stuff to myself... to finally really figure out who this person that I'm with truly is.

It really makes me wonder whether true love exists, etc, all that jazz. Maybe for men, eternally it does, but for women it's more of a "how I feel in the moment" type of thing?

I grew up on disney, believing in true love... then getting my heart broke and swinging the opposite way and believing that one person is always going to get their heart broken in a relationship... to believing in love again (with my current fiancee)... and now I'm back to wondering which one of those is how I should think.

reidhbear, Yes, I was trying to provide a better future for our family and she definitely blindsided me in the middle of my training.
I understand your true love comment, my sister thinks she and her husband are soulmates, I told her I don’t believe in soulmates. I think there are hundreds of different people we can fall in love with but I don’t discourage anyone thinking they have a soulmate!
Infidelity definitely makes you put your guard up, no doubt about that!