SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m surprised at the number of reported "just kissing" affairs above. My wife claims the same, but I didn’t believe her at all. I don’t think that adults stop at kissing when they are excited and attracted. I think when caught, the cheating spouse may confess to kissing and hide the rest? I could be wrong here, I guess.

My wife's story was that she "Just kissed" her AP while drunk when I first found suggestive text messages 15+ years ago. It never felt right to me, I couldn't believe it either, and while we reconciled from the "kiss" I would ask her almost every year, "do you swear you really only kissed that guy?" Just after our 8th wedding anniversary and about 12 years from the actual incident, she confessed it was a lie and that they had sex numerous times (and that she had a few more wayward/EA type moments in the residual years as well without another full blown PA).

My take is this - I would assume the worst and just work from there. I believe that it is most likely, in most cases, they did not "just kiss". Being in this situation is such a mindfuck and so unfair, there are so many questions we will never be able to answer because of the passage of time, and IMO the WS does not deserve the benefits of any doubts, unless they have really gone above and beyond to try to prove it (i.e. polygraph, allowing you to read old diary entries or emails, etc).

Canbeme123, that is helpful, I agree! I thought about trying to push the polygraph but, unsurprisingly, she fears a false result. Asking every year and having that work is surprising. i wonder what changed to make your wife comfortable in confessing the truth? I’d love to do the same. I found the AP’s email adress, but I assume that he would lie if I emailed him.. I have the contact of her trip room mate for the night that she was "caught" but it was years ago and what could this chick actually say, she wouldn’t have seen sex. Could tell me durations of absence I guess. I’m quite game to ask her again with whatever framing you suggest. Something was different on your year 8

That's the rub, for those of us in this position there is often no real evidence to be found and the truth is only available at the mercy of your WS, who is obviously an extremely unreliable narrator.

It's infuriating and it can really drive you crazy, I was seriously manic in the early days after her confession in trying to find something, ANYTHING, to help me piece together the truth. Searching for old emails (nope account from back then is wiped clean by Hotmail) and reading her diary from that time period (some insight was found, but pages were torn out and she claims no memory of what they said) and speaking to old mutual friends from the time. Nothing really helped.

It's amazing how your own perception of reality can be so drastically altered by someone else's horrible secrets. The word I come back to time and time and time again is "unfair". It's just So. Fucking. Unfair.

I don’t know if others saw a post on Wayward Side about a WH disclosing to his BS 20 years later. It is planned for August. I find this absolutely heartbreaking. I can’t even contemplate the pain that woman would feel. He thinks she knows. My husband thought I knew too, but you don’t know. You don’t know until you know. I was shocked by the massive difference between the pain of "suspicions" (which I did have some) and actually knowing. The first was incredibly hard but really knowing is thousands of times more horrible. Part of me wonders if he should tell her. Does anyone else here ever wonder if it would be better not to tell? I even wonder why on earth my husband told me. He says I had been saying forever that it would be so much better to know and that it would be far better to know. Maybe I was saying dumb stuff life that during the 8 years before he disclosed. I don’t really remember saying that. It is possible I was trying to manipulate him into disclosing something. I think that I believed I could get him to reveal that there had been some 30 second kiss. I truly had no idea how awful the truth would be. I think about how different my life might have been if I had never known the truth. I feel like I have lost so so so so much. The thought it could have been different? I don’t know…it’s heartbreaking to me. Maybe I shouldn’t have known. I miss the person I used to be. I’m not sure what good has come from me knowing. Does anyone else ever wonder this?

Stillconfused,

I suggested in a thread a few months ago that someone should "take it to the grave."

It was not well received.

He thinks she knows. My husband thought I knew too, but you don’t know. You don’t know until you know. I was shocked by the massive difference between the pain of "suspicions" (which I did have some) and actually knowing. The first was incredibly hard but really knowing is thousands of times more horrible. Part of me wonders if he should tell her. Does anyone else here ever wonder if it would be better not to tell?

Finding out years later is it’s own "sub- level of Hell" in the infidelity world. I have steadfastly been in the "BS deserves to know" camp. I still feel that way if an affair is active or very recent. People knew I was being cheated on 40 years ago and didn’t tell me. I had all kinds of suspicions and my wife lied. Had I known THEN for sure, we wouldn’t be here now.

In my case, after I retired I had a lot of time on my hands and "got in my head" about my marriage and life. I was convinced I had been cheated on multiple times. My wife had a "tell" where she would get cold and tell me she didn’t think she loved me anymore. I figured each one of those episodes was an affair. I was correct. I asked my wife how many times she cheated. She was going to take it to the grave. I pressed her. I wanted the truth of my life. I wanted to be totally open with one another and build a relationship where we were truly "one" in our last years together.

Do I regret it? It’s complicated. I was soooo relieved to find out I wasn’t crazy and that every time I thought she was cheating (and therefore sabotaging our marriage), she was. But the scope was MUCH worse than I had anticipated (more APs, longer duration, disgusting details) that I had a "be careful what you ask for, you may hate the truth" reaction.

Our reconciliation was doomed by her shame spirals and unwillingness to do the required work. Although she hasn’t cheated in 20 years, she has many character flaws that allowed her to cheat. A "dry drunk" if you will.

Our shitty attempt at R was interrupted by a brain cancer diagnosis for her and 18 months of treatment. We never truly R’d and I’m just "dribbling out the clock". Would it be "better" if I didn’t know the truth? Maybe, maybe not. But the problem isn’t me asking the question. It’s the answer. It’s the lies and avoidance. It’s stealing my life. It would have been stolen whether I knew the full truth or not. Now I just know COMPLETELY what a shitty life partner I chose….

[This message edited by ImaChump at 9:44 PM, Friday, July 18th]

Former PP: I can imagine. That is definitely the theme here. Maybe it’s right. Yesterday I thought I believed what I wrote. Now, 24 hours later I’m back to thinking it was better I knew. I can’t believe how these feelings can flip flop.

ImaChump: I had not forgotten your story. How could I. What a horror that revelation sounded like. But you are so right. The horror was the fact that these things happened. Not you getting the truth. Also, anyone who has received that crazy out of nowhere cold treatment during an affair knows it is like the most obvious thing in the world. Of course you knew, or your body knew. But you didn’t know know until you did. I had that same feeling of appreciation for knowing I wasn’t crazy the whole time. And I did act crazy and got this AP lady pushed out of her job with severance. She violated her separation agreement and returned to his company and I got her kicked out again (LOL!!!). I thought I must be pretty mean for doing all that based on suspicions. Once I found out out what she really did and how maliciously she enjoyed hurting me I had no more guilt about my actions.

The trauma of the last 10 years of hiding/deceiving for my husband and then sticking around while I forced my WH to talk about it 24/7 over the past 3 years have really worn him to half the man he was. I’m afraid I see some dementia coming on. I can’t fathom what you have been truth. But, I have always valued that you shared your story with everyone because I think it really opens peoples eyes to the lies. Who could really believe that could happen, but obviously it did.