BondJaneBond ( member #82665) posted at 12:51 AM on Sunday, March 22nd, 2026
I don't know if this is something that can really be answered. A BS needs what they need and that may be a very individual thing. Personally I don't really care about the details as long as I know it happened. The details don't do anything for me - well, I take that back, unless it's a FINANCIAL DETAIL because the amount of relative money spent on her vs me....that would mean something but not the location, etc. But it might mean a great deal to someone else. It might help to make the betrayal more "real" as opposed to some kind of almost like a nightmare you can't wake up from. Maybe it's a way of putting limits around it....this happened HERE....but not THERE. It might help them to understand what this mean to you , how you were experiencing this. I think there are a lot of reasons someone might want to know these things, I think all you can do is ask her what it means to her to know and see if she has a answer. Frankly, I suspect it may be better not to know a lot of details, but everyone is different. I would ask her what the details mean to her or what they do for her and then try to provide them if you can.
What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Use anger as a tool and mercy as a balm.
Amy44 ( member #47329) posted at 1:50 PM on Thursday, March 26th, 2026
The details matter for a lot of reasons. As a cheater, I did not believe they were important, however the intricacies of where, when, who...and why are a big part. These rendezvous were planned, coordinated and executed outside the marriage. It is a reflection of how much effort we put into the affair and frankly how little we cared about our marriage. For my BH, that is why he cared about the details. It is all part of the tangled web of lies we created and the sh#t sandwich we forced our spouse to consume.
Me - WW 40's
Husband BH 40's
DD - Trickled over past few years
3 grown / adult kids
WoodThrush2 ( member #85057) posted at 12:31 AM on Friday, March 27th, 2026
I think the details are very important. They each represent an aspect of a relational wound. By opening them up, it gives the betrayer an opportunity to first see the depths of their deceit, take accountability, mourn it, and make amends. For the betrayed, it gives them knowledge that they know their reality. It gives them the opportunity to express the wounds inflicted by the detail, and in turn gives the betrayer something to make amends to the wounded.
The more they cover it and amend it, the less power it begins to have over time.
